Jesus Camp

Ok, so it wasn't really Jesus Camp. But even though I'm super-reform-pretty-much-agnostic-Jewish, i went with my friend to a church retreat this weekend. Honestly, I went for the lake view and the pool and the cabins and the zipline, and of course to hang out with a good friend, but I feel like I got a glimpse at the inside of a church, which I'd never really had before. The people were great, welcoming without making me feel pressured, supportive when I tried new things. But it was obvious, to me at least, that I didn't fit in their world. I tried to use the discussions and sermons as general reminders to do good things with my life, and singing along with the church band (who were surprisingly good, and in the case of the lead singer, hot...) was uplifting. It always feels good to come together with a group of people and do something positive. The pastor (preacher? father? priest?) compared worshiping Jesus together to all rooting for the same sports team, and it did have a similar feeling of community and cooperation. But that was where the similarities ended. Because when I cheer for my highschool football team, I know that the outcome of the game isn't going to affect my life. I recognize that the mascot is just a symbol, and only has power because we give it power as a student body. And maybe the bible is the word of God, maybe Jesus does have awe inspiring power. I'm in no position to know. But I think its too late for me to believe. I've spent too many years worshipping cynicism more than anything else to let it go now. What impacted me most out of all the religious activities this weekend was half an hour in which we were supposed to sit by ourselves and ask God to give us purpose. I looked for some sort of faith inside myself and found...hope? A desire for some bigger purpose for this big old universe of ours, some graceful cosmic design, some spark of life that started off the big bang and has been guiding our course ever since. Part of me wants to believe that the way things have formed and progressed since that moment has been too amazing to be a complete act of randomness, or nothing more than a strict adherence to the laws of physics. Or maybe there is some kind of power in sheer randomness which creates beauty and life. I think all anyone can do is guess in the dark, that no one's picture of a higher being is going to be perfectly correct or all encompassing, because how could human beings even comprehend something on that level? I guess it would just be nice to have some company in my mush of uncertainty, but I don't think I'm going to find it at Jesus camp.

what if, and other whiny thoughts

I feel like "the rest of my life" is rushing at me, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. But I can't get any kind of picture of what that will actually look like. I know its not exactly original for a teenager to have a "who am I" moment, but seriously, who the fuck am I? I only know high school me, (and I don't always get her that well.) For the longest time I've been defined by where I go to school, who I sit with at lunch, what activities I do, what classes I like, what grades I make, etc. I know those things aren't all there is to a person, and its the fundamentals that scare me. In a year's time I'll be starting over, no longer surrounded by the expectations of people who know me, expectations I've always been too happy to meet. What if I don't like what's left at the bottom of me that I have to build back up on for new relationships, new attempts to squeeze myself into the social norm without actually changing who I am. I've caught fleeting glimpses of the underbelly of my soul,  and they aren't always pleasant or encouraging. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of moments of clarity that I'm pretty content with, introspective epiphanies that inspire some confidence and pride, but what if those aren't enough? What if I'm simply too weak for the "real world?" Everyone around me is so certain that I'm going to be more than ok. I've got the grades and test scores to get into a good school, enough money in the family to get by, enough love and support from my parents to cover the inevitable blunders. But what if me as a person doesn't measure up? What if I stumble out of college without a clue what I want or how to get it? Where's the little box on the common app for whether or not you will be able to function as an adult human being?

Blockhead

Tried to write my essay for the common app today. Ugh. Bad idea. Writing 500 words about anything you want should be easy for someone who supposedly likes writing right? WRONG. I guess what I experienced today wasn't technically writers block, because I was putting something down on paper, I just didn't like any of it. For some dumb reason I thought the essay would be the easy part of my college apps. I had this misguided vision of poignant, meaningful and hilarious words flowing forth from me, which would inspire my dream schools to hand over a dazzling scholarship. Not so much. My english teacher last year said that picking a topic would be the hardest part of writing my college essay, and I think she was right. No huge, mind boggling person or event stuck out at me when reading the prompts, so I thought I would just write about some cute trivial aspect of my life and tie it up in a neat metaphor about who I am as a person. But the problem with trivial subjects is that they kind of suck. I think colleges want to know a little bit more about me than what my favorite movie is, or that I really enjoyed my summer vacation. So...shit. Why hasn't anything meaningful happened to me? I mean, I don't think I lack meaning as a person. There are people in my life that are important to me, events that have stuck with me for one reason or another, but nothing jumps up out of my brain and screams "essay worthy!"So i haven't nursed sick orphans or lost someone really close to me. I didn't rise up out of poverty or confront the school bully. In kindergarten I memorized all the lyrics to Weird Al's take on American Pie. That's gotta count for something, right?

Oh, I wrote a poem while we were talking about college essays in english that seems appropriate here:

Vassar with my magic money
an author with my magic brains
A hottie who will call me honey
God, I must be going insane

Truth is, my license has it right
brown hair, brown eyes, brown life
an average girl of average height

what makes me pop what makes me sing?
even my feeling of lame is kinda mundane
500 words are supposed to strain
an interesting person with so much to bring

the question I ask but don't want to be:
what if there aren't 500 words unique about me?

Shut Up Natalie Portman

I've been watching a lot of movies lately that start out with the basic premise of two unrealistically attractive people deciding to have emotionless sex which each other. In all movies with this plot, the main characters eventually realize they love each other and reveal it in a range of adorable and heart wrenching ways. It's always the guy who wants to have a real relationship first, which I guess is supposed to be comforting to girls who have been in the opposite position in real life. But no, in the movies the girls just don't want to deal with all the stupid hallmarks of a "relationship" like sleeping over and eating breakfast together because its too fake or too hard or they are too mysteriously damaged. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here wishing a guy would tell me my eyes are beautiful or that I would wake up to find myself in someone's arms. People are always trying to console me in my wretched perpetual singleness by reminding me that relationships are hard and a lot of work, that the right guy will come along when he's meant to. But maybe I want to date some jerks, maybe I want to have guy problems to complain about. I remember in Pride and Prejudice Mr.Bennet says something to the effect that being crossed in love is almost as pleasing to girls as having a happy relationship, and I'm inclined to agree with him. I've probably just been watching too many musicals and chick flicks, but the whole loved and lost thing is starting to sound a lot better than my current "super virgin" status. I don't think many romantic regrets could outweigh the regret of never in my life experiencing romance. So this is the part where I resolve to myself to become more outgoing and open and daring when it comes to the opposite sex. Or I could just follow my brother's advice and try internet dating...

Drama Llama

So, I got asked a question on formspring today (btw, whoever invented formspring was an evil genius or a pissy 12 year old) about why my friend group has so much drama. My answer was of course, vague and unrealistically optimistic, but now I wonder how I would really answer it. Have you ever been friends with a bunch of teenage girls who all know each other? Cause it kinda sucks. Its like freaking world war three with alliances, skirmishes, and surprise bombings via text. And always the fear that you're being talked about, even thought about negatively. The constant thrum in the back of your head that conflict is imminent. I don't know, maybe I'm just being dramatic or oversensitive or paranoid (all three flaws I am prone to), but it seems like friendship really did used to be easier than it is now. Maybe we've all grown more insecure and afraid, more forceful, more opinionated, more different. Maybe we all realize subconsciously that the chances of us still being close are about to drop drastically once high school is over, and we're testing the waters to see how deep affection runs. Cause if you ask pretty much anyone you consider a "close friend" if the two of you will always be friends, an affirmative answer is almost certain. But what do they really think? Maybe it's just me, maybe I have trust issues and everyone else my age is secure in where they stand with their friends, but somehow I don't think so. And I don't want this to be all complaints, because I love my friends, I really do. I don't think I would have made it through the awkward mush between childhood and adulthood without people to laugh with and eat with and bitch with. And I really can't imagine my future life without their input and support, and I would be so sad not to somehow be there for all the important parts of their lives. So I don't know what I'm saying. I guess I wish we could all just tell each other that we will be there for each other and love each other when it matters, and mean it and believe it. God, now I sound like that girl from mean girls who talks about baking cakes out of rainbows.

Hey Peeps

Aight, so I decided to start this thing cause a good friend just started posting in a youtube channel documenting her senior year of highschool, which inspired me to do the same (I have been assured I'm not a terrible awful copier, but I still kinda feel like one). However, me and cameras don't mix. Neither do me and film editing software. So I'm left with the written (typed) word. Which is cool, cause once I gave up my dumb childhood fantasy of being an astronaut, I developed an almost equally dumb young adult fantasy of being a writer. I say almost equally because the demise of the American shuttle system has given the world a sad shortage of astronaut positions. ANYWAY. Point is, I like reading and writing, and I love me some good ranting, so I guess that's what's gonna be happening here. See, I'm usually total suck at talking to strangers, hence my small friend group and never-been-kissed-ness (ducking fepressing), but if I don't have to see the strangers I'm talking to, it's easy! yay! So if you happen to stumble across this, feel free to leave questions or suggested topics, otherwise, this thing's pretty much gonna be a basket of random. And who doesn't love that? So...that's pretty much it. Aloha until next time :)