Jesus Camp

Ok, so it wasn't really Jesus Camp. But even though I'm super-reform-pretty-much-agnostic-Jewish, i went with my friend to a church retreat this weekend. Honestly, I went for the lake view and the pool and the cabins and the zipline, and of course to hang out with a good friend, but I feel like I got a glimpse at the inside of a church, which I'd never really had before. The people were great, welcoming without making me feel pressured, supportive when I tried new things. But it was obvious, to me at least, that I didn't fit in their world. I tried to use the discussions and sermons as general reminders to do good things with my life, and singing along with the church band (who were surprisingly good, and in the case of the lead singer, hot...) was uplifting. It always feels good to come together with a group of people and do something positive. The pastor (preacher? father? priest?) compared worshiping Jesus together to all rooting for the same sports team, and it did have a similar feeling of community and cooperation. But that was where the similarities ended. Because when I cheer for my highschool football team, I know that the outcome of the game isn't going to affect my life. I recognize that the mascot is just a symbol, and only has power because we give it power as a student body. And maybe the bible is the word of God, maybe Jesus does have awe inspiring power. I'm in no position to know. But I think its too late for me to believe. I've spent too many years worshipping cynicism more than anything else to let it go now. What impacted me most out of all the religious activities this weekend was half an hour in which we were supposed to sit by ourselves and ask God to give us purpose. I looked for some sort of faith inside myself and found...hope? A desire for some bigger purpose for this big old universe of ours, some graceful cosmic design, some spark of life that started off the big bang and has been guiding our course ever since. Part of me wants to believe that the way things have formed and progressed since that moment has been too amazing to be a complete act of randomness, or nothing more than a strict adherence to the laws of physics. Or maybe there is some kind of power in sheer randomness which creates beauty and life. I think all anyone can do is guess in the dark, that no one's picture of a higher being is going to be perfectly correct or all encompassing, because how could human beings even comprehend something on that level? I guess it would just be nice to have some company in my mush of uncertainty, but I don't think I'm going to find it at Jesus camp.